Happy Birthday Addisyn Clair...

I know this is a little late, but free time is not something I have a lot of right now.



Dear Addisyn,
Happy 1st Birthday Baby Girl! I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by. It seems like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. One year ago today you changed my life. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love you! My whole heart is swelling and over flowing with unconditional love. When I am away from you my heart aches and when I get to see you again at the end of the day I can hardly contain the joy in my soul. Addisyn, you will never fully know how you have completed my life and given me the best gift anyone could ask for. Thank you for letting me be your momma and letting me spend this past year with you.
As excited and happy as I am today, I am also sad. My baby isn't really a baby anymore. You are growing up so fast. I wish I could push a pause button right now and we could stay in this moment forever. You stay little and let me snuggle with you before bed, and I'll never have to think about you growing up and moving out, or worst yet, moving somewhere far away. In know one day instead of looking at me with those big blue eyes like I am the best person in the world, you will look at me....and roll those big blue eyes because you think I am the dumbest person in the world. So I say we push the pause button right now and never get to the eye rolling.
Even though you are growing up I will never forget what an amazing baby you are. You have the best personality I have ever known, and your laugh is so incredible that it brings joy to everyone who hears it. Your smile lights up your who face and is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. Everyone says babies smell sweet, but Addisyn, you smell like God dipped you in sugar. There are times when I smell your head or neck while you sleep in my arms and I thank God for making you so sweet.
Addisyn, I hope you know how much I love you and want the best for you. I know I'm not the perfect mother and I hope you can forgive me for that. Please know that I thank God for you everyday. I pray for your safety and that you will make good choices. That you will be healthy and happy. That you would be an example of Christ's love and love Jesus with your whole heart. I pray that one day you will find a spouse who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and that you would be blessed with an amazing sugar baby just like I was.
I look forward to another year together and to watching you grow into a little lady!

Forever and Always,
Momma xoxo

My Big Girl!!!

This has been a emotional couple of days for me as a momma. I have watched Addisyn turn into a big girl and I am realizing that she isn't going to be a baby for much longer.
I mailed out her 1st Birthday invitations on Saturday and that's when it hit me. She's growing up! My little puddin' isn't going to be little forever. I wish I could stop time right now and have Addisyn stay a baby forever!
On Sunday Addisyn had another big girl moment. She had her first sippy cup of cow's milk! No more formula! And did you notice that I said sippy cup?! That's right...we are trying to get off the bottle. Another big girl moment! :)
Today was the biggest big girl moment we have had so far. Today Addisyn went to her first day of daycare! I don't know who it was harder on me or her. I know Addisyn is in good hands at Kiddie Kollege, but it was still hard to leave her. It does make it a little easier that I know the director, Kimber, and I know she is GREAT at what she does and that she knows Addisyn. It is also nice that I know Addisyn's "teacher" as well. Gail is an ex-co-workers of mine and she is an amazing woman! It is no accident that these two women are where they are. I know God knows how worried and anxious I have been about leaving Addisyn at daycare. I know he put Gail in Addisyn's classroom so I would know she is being well cared for. I know God opened the doors of Kiddie Kollege to us when we needed it knowing Kimber was in charge so I could feel at peace, and know that someone there loved Addisyn and has known her before she was even born. I still cried when we left Addisyn's classroom, but I knew she was going to be OK, and God was watching over her.
I know more "big girl moments" are still to come...and I look forward to experiencing them with Addisyn, but I am still going to cherish the few "baby moments" we still have.

You want me to do what?!

"So why do you keep calling me 'Lord, Lord!' when you don't do what I say?" Luke 6:46, NLT

Lately I have been feeling God tapping me on the shoulder, trying to get my attention. In typical Meghann fashion, I ignore Him. I'm not sure if it is me being scared, or wanting to be in control. I pray everyday for certain things, and I can feel God telling me what I need to do but I don't like what He is saying. I worry that doing what God is telling me will prevent me from doing what I want. I am not putting God first in my life right now. He comes in at a very close second, but that's not how it is supposed to be. We are told that God is to come before evrything in our lives. Before spouses, children, family, friends, money, material things... I am scared of how my life will be changed if I start putting God in controll and doing what He tells me. I know that in the end, my life will be better because God knows what is best for us and has a plan for our lives. I am starting to think if I put God first in my life then the nagging feeling I have that something is missing would be gone. I have a constant feeling deep deep inside me that is longing for something, but I have no idea what it is. I try to push it deeper down and pile more emotions and baggage on top. I know myself well enough to know that I can't open up to what God is telling me all at once, but I can try a little bit harder everyday.

( I know this is a bunch of rambling, but that's what this blog is for. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, and seems like a bunch of thoughts just mushed together, it makes sense to me.)

Who am I?

I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc... But who am I? This is something I have been thinking about a lot recently. Does being Addisyn's momma define who I am? What about being Tyler's wife, or Mike and Linda's daughter? Katherine and Ashley's sister? Am I my own person any more, or am I just what everyone else needs me to be? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being Addisyn's momma, and Tyler's wife, and Mike and Linda's Daughter, and Katherine and Ashley's big sister. But...I have lost myself in trying to meet everyones needs and wants. I almost feel selfish just thinking about what I need and want sometimes, but I know that if I don't take time for myself, I will not be able to give everyone else what they need. It is exhausting being a wife and mother and the work is never done. There is always laundry to do and bottles to wash. Always diapers to change and baths to give. I love doing all the motherly thing and wifely things, but there are times where I wish I could just be by myself and do something that I enjoy. Even for an hour...that would be nice. I know that all I have to do is tell Tyler I need some time alone and he would watch Addisyn, but I would spend the whole time worrying and wondering what they were doing. If you know me at all you know that I am just a little bit of a control freak. OK, maybe I am a HUGE control freak. No one can do anything the way I like it except me. Only I can fold our laundry the right way, only I can wash the dishes the right way, only I can feed Addisyn the right way. I think you get the point. I have gotten better....slightly. I let anyone feed Addisyn that wants to even if they make a mess. (It's not completely their fault. Addisyn is a messy eater.) I will let anyone change a dirty diaper if they dare. But somethings only I can do. With all this controlling and doing everything my way I have lost my identity and most days feel like am in a bad version of "Ground Hogs Day". So...the moral of this story is I need to let others help me and I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my family. I have a feeling that is easier said then done.

Perfection is over rated

I know it is shocking, but I am not perfect. I will give you a moment is get over the shock...haha. Even though I can say I'm not perfect doesn't stop me from trying to be. This past week has been tough and I only made it tougher for myself and Tyler by trying to live up to my idea of perfection. Being the "perfect wife" and the "perfect mother" is exhausting. One of the things that I struggle with is asking for help. I try to do everything myself and become overwhelmed and stressed out. I just let the stress of trying to be perfect build up and up until I snap. And I usually snap at poor Tyler because he is close by. Poor poor Tyler has been the victim of my beak downs SEVERAL times during our marriage.

Last night I took a big step for me...I asked Tyler for help. Addisyn was getting fussy and ready for bed, and I still had laundry to get done before work in the morning. Normally I would have put off the laundry, gotten Addisyn settled down and in bed, then gone back to the laundry and been up waiting for it to get done. Instead, I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked Tyler to give Addisyn her bedtime bottle and rock her. He gladly helped, and I was able to get the laundry done by the time Addisyn was put in her crib!

It was great to not feel stressed and try to do everything myself, but what was even better was watching Tyler and Addisyn snuggle together before bed. They have a special bond and relationship and it is so neat to see them interact with each other, even when its just snuggling. That girl loves her Daddy, and her Daddy loves her more than she will ever know.

So I have decided, perfection is over rated. I would much rather watch Tyler and Addisyn together then get stressed out trying to do everything myself. (I will always do the laundry myself though. I cannot stand the way Tyler folds clothes...lol)

What keeps me going...

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." 1 Tim 4:12



"Your blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4



"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

"May the Lord bless you and keep you; may the Lord make his countenance shine upson you, and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn is countence to you and grant you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

"The Lord will work out His plans for my life -- for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:8

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." Philippians 4:6

Amen!!!

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micha 6:8



This was part of the scripture reading at church yesterday. It has been a long time since I could tell you what the scripture reading was after the service let alone the next day. Yesterday was the installation service for our new pastor. Over the past 5 or so years, the attendance on a normal Sunday has been between 70 and 75 people. Yesterday there were close to 150 people! Praise God! I understand that some of these people may not come back and were former members who wanted to check out the new pastor but it felt like the church I grew up in. The church where 150+ people was normal every week.

As part of the installation service, we took communion and it was amazing! We had to wait for room at the alter! We had to wait on people to receive the sacrament! THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE WE HAD TO WAIT!!! I could feel the presence of God in that church and could feel Him say "It's a new season here at Congress Street United Methodist! Get ready for a change!"

You have to understand that CSUMC is MY church. I grew up there. All of my best memories from growing up are either in the church or with the people who attended. This church helped make me who I am. I fell in love with Jesus in this church! When I went to college I stopped going to CSUMC and when I came back after Addisyn was born it was like walking into a place i have never been. It was so different. Now it is finally starting to feel like the church I know it can be. The amazing thriving church that God wants it to be!

Positive, Encouraging...

Positive, Encouraging....KLOVE! Oh how I love to hear those words through my radio at work and in the car! For over a year now 106.7 has been the default setting on my radios. There have been times when just the right song comes on at just the right time. Or just the right scripture is read at just the right time. I cannot tell you how many times I have been moved or touched by what was said and it changed my whole day.

The past week or so has been rough on me. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have been feeling defeated and deflated. I was beginning to think I was part of a bad daytime soap opera. (Side note: I love bad daytime soap operas.) Then, today I get in the car to go to work and the first thing I hear is "Positive, Encouraging, Klove" and I felt my body and mind relax. It was like God was telling me "stay positive and encouraging. Don't let the words or actions of others bring you down". That is exactly what I needed to hear and I feel so much better now.

I am going to stay positive and not let the hurtful words or action of others ruin my day. Instead I am going to encourage those people to be disciples of Christ and show them the face of Christ through my words and actions.

Thank you KLOVE for being on the air and doing God's work. You are a true blessing in my life!

A week with Addisyn

What a week! I got to spend an entire week with Addisyn and it was amazing! I haven't been able to spend that much time with her since I was on maternity leave. We didn't do a lot of the things I had wanted to but our time together was awesome. I have so much respect and gratitude for my mother in law and husband who much watch Addisyn during the week. What a little handful she has become! And fast...this girl can get across the house in no time flat! But, even though she is a handful and mobile I loved our week together.
I was able to witness a few of Addisyn's firsts this week! The first time she crawled on her knees! The first time she pulled herself up in her crib! The first time she sat in the normal tub without support! I cannot believe how much she changed in just one week! Even her hair seems to be longer. :)
I was sad to go back to work but knew that it is what I have to do in order to provide Addisyn with the stuff she needs. I wish I could stay home with her and watch her grow up before my eyes all day everyday. I am thankful though that since I cannot be with her everyday she has the next best thing! She has an amazing daddy and grandma who take turns during the week. She is a luck little lady to be able to play with her daddy and grandma and not have to go to daycare.
I am already counting down until my vacation next year! So many more first will happen before then and I know I wont be able to see all of them, but I am happy that someone who loves her more than anything will see them!

Battle Wounds

I know my husband is going to roll is eyes and shake his head when/if he reads this because what I am about to say is 100% contradictory to what I say almost everyday. I love my body! I don't say that to be conceded or self indulgent. Sure, I would love to lose those last few pounds of baby weight and then some, but my body in general is amazing and I love it! I mean think about it...God created our bodies to do amazing things! The fact that we can breath without thinking about it is pretty incredible.

My body has been through a lot and I am awe struck by all it is able to do. My body was able to carry and nurture a baby for 9 months! A living thing was created, grown, and cared for in my body! Stop and think about that for a minute! Pretty incredible right?!

Even though my body was able to carry a baby for 9 months, it was pushed to it's limits. My body had to stretch, and it left it's mark...literally.

I know my body will never be the same again, and I am happy about that. I have battle wounds that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have stretch marks, and a scar from my c-section, and wider hips from carrying a 7lb 11oz baby to term.

Most of the time I look in the mirror and I see only flaws. Today I saw the body of a mother. My body tells the story of me becoming a mother and each stretch mark and the scar on my belly are reminders of the life I brought into this world. They are reminders of how God created me to create Addisyn and I thank him everyday for that!

Getting excited

2 more days!!!! 2 more days and I get to spend a whole week with my baby! I cannot tell you have excited I am to spend so much time with Addisyn! I have not been able to spend more than a long weekend with her since I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I have been thinking and planning what I am going to do with her during my time off. Should we go to the park? The swimming pool? The zoo? I want to be able to experience a lot of firsts with her since I have missed so many already. I missed her rolling over the first time, army crawling, figuring out how to take off her diaper :) In the 6 months that I have been working Addisyn has grown up and changed so much! She has gone from tiny baby that seemed almost breakable, to a mobile explorer who bumps her head and keeps going. I look back at pictures of her as a newborn and she doesn't even look like the same baby. She is a little person now. She has emotions, and personality. She laughs when something is funny, and "talks" back when you talk to her. She has a favorite stuffed bunny and smiles so big it melts my heart when she sees it. She can hold her own bottle and wants so desperately to hold her own spoon. I miss my tiny baby...but I am completely in love with a little lady!

As much as I want to experience a lot of firsts with Addisyn during my "staycation", I know she wont remember or care about what we did. I am sure if we just stayed home and played on the floor she would be happy. She is happy with some of the simplest things. Right now she is fascinated with cups and water bottles. It is really cute when we hand her a plastic Tupperware cup and she puts it up to her mouth like she is drinking from it. She does the same thing with water bottles (with the lid on of course). It is so awesome to see the world through her eyes right now, and see her reactions to things we take for granted everyday. I cannot wait to spend a whole week experiencing life through her!

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

For the Wife
who says "it's hot dogs tonight",
because she is home with me,
and not out with someone else.
For the Husband
who is on the sofa
being a couch potato,
because he is home with me
and not out at the bars.
For the teenager
who is complaining about doing dishes
because it means she is home, not on the streets.
For the taxes I pay
because it means I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party
because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug
because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work
because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing,
windows than need cleaning,
and gutters that need fixing,
because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining
I hear about the government
because it means we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot
I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking
and I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill
because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing
because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off
in the early morning hours
because it means I am alive.

~Author Unknown

8 months / 8 weeks

On Thursday my little lady will be 8 months old! Tear... :'( Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were holding her in the hospital room. A lot has changed in the past 8 months. Instead of sleeping all day and only waking up to eat, we are lucky if she takes a 20 minute nap during the day. Instead of a bottle every few hours, it's mushed bananas, mushed peas, etc... Instead of cuddling in the chair together, she is crawling around and exploring everything! It is amazing to see how much she has changed. The changes seem to be so gradual, and then we see someone who hasn't seen Addisyn for a few weeks and we realize how much she does change in just a short period of time. :)



Lately it has been really hard for me to leave for work in the morning. It was hard when I first went back but it got easier because Addisyn would be asleep when I left and she didn't understand what was going on. Now, she is awake and she cries when I put her down or hand her off. She reaches her arms out and cries big crocodile tears and says "mmmmm" (her version of momma right now). It breaks my heart but I know she is in good hands when I leave. I also know that after a few minutes she is fine and playing like nothing is wrong.



As much as I hate leaving her in the morning I love coming back to her in the evening! I love the way her little face lights up when she sees me. I love how big her smile is and how she seems to be overwhelmed with joy when I pick her up. :) That makes all the tears and crying worth it. She knows who her momma ("mmmmm") is and that makes my heart swell with so much love, joy, and pride!

There are a lot of differences between 8 weeks and 8 months. I sometimes miss my tiny baby who needed me for EVERY thing. Now at 8 months she can do a lot on her own and doesn't need me for as much. She can crawl to what she wants and pick it up on her own. She can hold the bottle by herself and can almost use the spoon by herself too. When I start to miss Addisyn being a newborn, I just think of how blessed I am to be able to watch her grow into a little lady and see her learning new things everyday. :)

Wants v. Needs

While looking for a new place to rent, Tyler and I looked at a house that was for rent. It was perfect! Large living room for Addisyn to play in, huge eat in kitchen, 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, laundry room, 2 car garage!!! I was hooked! I wanted this house so much! Only problem was it is about 2x what we can afford to pay each month. I was instantly sad and I know that nothing will compare to that house. Nothing will be as nice or big. I was starting to realize I had to move on when the landlord called me today saying if we wanted the house we had to move quickly because someone else was interested in it. Sad again! I have been trying really hard to keep my wants and my needs in check. It's not easy to do, especially now that finances are cut. I go out and I see new summer clothes that I WANT. I don't NEED anything. We NEED food, we WANT to eat out. I WANT a big house, we NEED a roof over our heads.
I have found myself disliking people that have what I want. People who have houses, and new cars, and are having more babies and never seem to worry about money. I constantly worry about money. These people who I dislike have never even done anything to me personally. In fact they have been nothing but nice and friendly, but I am jealous and don't like to be around them for that reason. I find myself comparing their situation to mine and I know that's not fair to anyone. Every one's situation is different and unique.
It is not fair for me to not like someone because the worked hard and have a good job, or are better about saving money so they can buy new things and extend their family. I wouldn't want them to not like me because I don't have what they have.

Prayer

Today I am not feeling very well emotionally and would just like to take this time to pray.

Father God, I want to thank you for today. Thank you are allowing me to be here today and to enjoy all your beautiful creations. Lord, I come to you today and ask you to help me through some issues. Please help me to make the right decision and glorify you in all I do. Father, I ask for you to help me find strength to over come the obstacles in my life right now. I know I can do all things through you. God, please help me to find peace and bring peace to those around me. You know what my heart is feeling today, please show me how to sooth my heart and soul. In your Holy name....Amen.

some of my favorite things

* Addisyn's smile and laugh...Love her!
* Tyler's sense of humor :)
* Sunshine
* The smell of rain
* Chick flicks
* My grandma/mom's ham salad sandwiches...yum!
* Ice cream (Ben and Jerry Chunky Monkey)
* Wacky cake on my birthday
* Spending the morning alone with Addisyn while Tyler sleeps "Just 5 more minutes..."
* Being a Mom and Wife

Things I've Learned

In the past year and a half of marriage and 7 1/2 months of parenthood I have learned a few things.

1. Marriage is about compromises. Tyler and I couldn't be more opposite but because of that we have learned how to compromise.
2. You have to communicate. This is one that I learned the hard way. I wouldn't communicate that I paid a bill online so Tyler would pay something else thinking the money was there. A couple of OD fees later we realized we need to communicate what er are doing not only with money but pretty much everything.
3. You don't have to hold a baby all the time. It is OK to let Addisyn play on the floor or in her bouncer. I love her so much and want to hold her all the time but I know she needs to play on her own in order to learn and be independent.
4. It is OK if Addisyn cries. My first instinct is to run over to her anytime she makes to noise but I have learned that she needs to work things out herself. I don't want her to end up like some kids I know who have to be held ALL the time and wont do anything alone.
5. Just because it's "normal" doesn't mean we have to do/have it. I see other couples our age with kids buying houses, and buying new cars, and shopping for new furniture and it makes me think that we have to have a house and a new car and new furniture. But I also look at those couples and realize they are probably in more debt than we are because they are buying all this new stuff. Our car might be old, but it's paid off. We might have to rent, but that is what we can afford. Our furniture might not be the best, but it was free (thanks Mom) and very comfy! Some day we will be able to get all this new stuff but for now we are OK and no one should look down at use for living within our means.

Goals

So...Tyler and I have been talking the past few days about building our "dream" house. We talk about how many bedrooms, how many bathrooms, paint colors, etc...

This has made me start thinking about what goals I have for my life and our life as a family.

These are not in any order:

1. buy/build a house
2. be able to work from home/be a stay at home mom
3. learn to cook for my family
4. raise Addisyn to love Jesus Christ with all her soul
5. give Addisyn a little brother or sister
6. go on a REAL vacation. (not that visiting relatives isn't fun)
7. finally finish school
8. be debt free
9. read more books
10. spend as much time as possible with my family

Spring cleaning

So, Tyler and I spent a good amount of time last night and this morning cleaning our place so the management could come in and replace our air filter. As usual, we hurried up and stuff things in drawers and closets. Not really cleaning at all, just hiding the mess.
All our rushing around to get things picked up and cleaned up so it didn't look like we lived in a complete pigsty got me thinking about how I "clean" my soul and heart for God. I say that I am going to really open up to God and surrender all...give all of my "mess" to him. Instead I find that I hide most of mess from him and just hand over what I am comfortable with. If you know me at all, you know that I am a bit of a control freak and I do not like giving up control of anything to anyone including God. I stuff guilt, and feelings of unworthiness, and jealousy, and pride, and abandonment, etc...into little drawers and closets inside myself.
I don't know why I feel like I need to hold onto these issues in my life. I would love to say "Here you go God...it's all yours! I don't want them anymore." The truth is I don't know what I would do without these issues and feelings. They make up who I am and how I live my life.
So this week as I attempt some deep cleaning at home throwing away all the trash and mess that is cluttering our house, I am going to try to deep clean my soul and throw away all my emotional trash and mess that is cluttering my relationship with God and myself.

I surrender all ~ Judson W. Van DeVenter
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence I daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all;
I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior,wholly thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now, I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, Glory, to His name!

Great Great Grandma

So here it is after midnight and I am wide awake! Tyler and Addi are fast asleep and both are snoring. (which is why I am awake...) Of course the only logical thing to do it update the blog. haha!

We are currently in Ohio visiting Addisyn's Great Great Grandma. (Tyler's Great Grandma on his dad's side) It has been a very interesting and fun weekend! Addisyn was able to go swimming with her daddy in the hotel pool and we got some great pictures of the family.

Being around Grandma this weekend has got me thinking a lot. Here she is 97 years old and still sharp as a tack. She lives on her own, cooks for herself, and walks down some not too safe looking stairs to get her mail everyday. I'm 24, over weight, and out of shape. I'll be lucky to see great grand kids let alone great great grand kids!

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 has been coming to mind as I think about how well of Grandma is and how I have not treated this body God gave me very well. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I definitely have not been honoring God with my body! I have been using it as a landfill almost. I stuff it full on processed food, fat, and soda. I sit on my behind most of the time either watching movies or playing around on the computer.

I am not saying that all at once I am going to eat only fresh fruits and veggies and organic meat and only drink water. That is a little too extreme for me right now. I know that I am addicted to the nasty greasiness that is fast food, and if I cold turkey the diet coke you wont want to be around me! I understand that as with any addiction there is going to be a period of withdrawal and I don't want to put my dear husband through too much of my craziness all at once.

I guess that to honor God with my body not only means I need to feed it properly but I also need to work it out properly too. That is the hardest part for me. I can come up with ANY excuse to not go to the gym. "I'm too tired." "Addisyn is fussy." "I don't want to workout with other people there." (Un)Fortunately, I currently have a broken foot and I'm not even really supposed to walk on right now and wont be able to work out for about 6 more weeks. However...in 6 weeks I might be able to get the better food thing down and then tackle the fitness part.

I have tried SO many different diet and exercise programs and all of them only last about a week. This though is not a "diet". This will be a form of worship. A way to thank God for creating me and giving me this amazing body to live in. Instead of ruining all the work God put in to making my body just for me and designed me to be one of a kind, I should cherish every moment I have with it and treat it well.

If I ever want to see Addisyn's Grand kids I better start taking some lessons from Grandma Saunders!

My sweet angle baby....Addisyn Clair Dubea

FYI: This post may contain TMI for some people.

The story of Addisyn Clair is one that I will never get tired of telling. I look forward to when I will be able to tell my grand kids the story of how their mom came into my life. :)

From the beginning our little puddin' was full of surprises. Addisyn Clair Dubea was born on October 10, 2009, but her story really starts on February 11, 2009. The whole day I just wasn't feeling well. I knew I was supposed to start my m/c anytime (I was on the "pill"). That night Tyler and I had dinner with some friends then we all went back to our apartment to hang out. By this time I had begun to have the worst cramps I have ever had. I remember thinking "oh great, this is going to be a fun night!" I ended up going to be early expecting to start in the middle of the night. The next day I still hadn't started, but I didn't think too much of it. When Tyler picked me up from work that night we joked and decided to pick up a pregnancy test from the drug store. We decided to wait until the next morning to take the test thinking I might start that night. Well, if you know me at all you know that I don't like to wait so while Tyler played X-box 360 in the living room I took the test in the bathroom. 3 minutes later I was staring a 2 very bring pink lines. I will never forget how excited, scared, happy, and nervous I was at that moment. When I was able to speak again I called Tyler into the bathroom and we stood there looking at the test together. I remember saying "how did this happen?" Looking back I can picture God looking at us laughing and saying "see what happens when you try to control your own life." We hadn't planned on having kids for at least a few more years, but God had his own plan for us.

In the beginning everything went very smoothly. I never really had morning sickness, but I was tired all the time. It all seemed kind of surreal and I almost didn't believe that we were going to have a baby. Then in June we went for our ultra-sound and saw our little girl. We could see her little hands and feet and at one point we could see her tiny nose. That is when it all became real. We were going to have a baby!

Things continued to go smoothly until the last month and a half. My blood pressure went sky high and I was gaining a LOT of weight really fast. I was put on bed rest and was unable to work. At 38 weeks my bp was so high my obgyn decied to induce labor. I was so ready to meet our little girl and scared to death of being responsible for a tiny little person.

We went to the hospital on Thursday October 8, 2009 and began the inducing. My labor was progressing slowly, but progressing so we continued until early Saturday morning (October 10). When I was finally able to start pushing, we found out that the babies head was stuck in the birth canal. At this point I had been pushing for about 2 hours and my bp went way up again so we opted for a c-section. Then at 1:47 am on October 10, 2009 Addisyn Clair entered the world and changed my world forever! I cannot express in words how much I love this little angle that God has given me. I am so glad that God didn't like our plans and put his into motion.

Even though we were not expecting Addisyn and we went through so tough times with her, I wouldn't change a thing about it! She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so privileged that God has trusted me to raise one of his children!

The past 7 months have gone by so quickly. Everyone said it would go by fast, but I didn't relize how fast! Some days I feel like we just came home from the hospital and others it feels like this has been our life forever. I cannot image how our life would be with out Addisyn.

I love you Clair Bear!!! xoxo

The motions

I chose to name my blog "Going through the motions" for a couple of reasons. First, because I have caught myself just going through the motions of daily life. You know, get up, change and feed Addisyn, take a shower, go to work, come home, fix dinner, feed Addisyn, watch TV/play with Addisyn, put Addisyn to bed, go to bed, repeat. I have not taken a moment to step back and cherish every little thing life has to offer. I have been taking it all for granted. My goal is to remember everyday that there are so many people in this world who would do anything to be able to feed and change and rock their own child but cannot. Or who would love to have a place to call home and be able to fix dinner every night. We maybe going through a tough time financially right now, but we could be a lot worse off. We have a pantry and fridge full of food, we have electricity and a car that has a full tank of gas. God has provided for us during this time and I have not given Him the proper credit. I have taken Him for granted and have gone through the motions of life.

The other reason for the name is because I don't want to go through the motions of being a christian. It is not enough for me right now to just got o church on Sunday mornings. I want to put Christ first in my life and have a REAL relationship with Him. I want to be able to feel comfortable worshiping how I want and not worry about others judging me. My goal is to feel free to lift my hands in praise and worship without feeling others eyes on me and to learn how to really pray and open my heart to the Lord 100%.

I know all this is going to taken time and I am not going to change over night. I am going to take it one day at a time and make a conscious decision everyday to appreciate my life and thank God for everything He has done for me and my family.

The Motions ~ Matthew West

This might hurt

It's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

'cause just OK

is not enough

help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

what if I had given everything?

instead of going through the motions

no regrets

not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

let your love

make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

A place just for me...

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a little while now. I didn't start one before because I didn't think my life was interesting enough for anyone to want to read about. I decided today that I don't really care if anyone wants to read this or not. I am not doing this for anyone but myself. It is a place just for me to be me. My place to reflect on whatever is going on in my life, to express myself, and to have some "me time".

A little about me: I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a child of God. My life is crazy, busy, and at times dramatic....but I wouldn't have it any other way! I love my life and my family. I have to say that I have the MOST amazing family ever! We are all a little nuts, but that is what makes us so great. My mom is my best friend and I can only hope that my daughter and I can have the kind of relationship that my mom and I have. (Love you forever and always mom!)

I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me! He likes to act tough but he is a the kindest man I have ever met. :) We are almost polar opposites, but that is what makes our marriage work so well I think. Where I stress out and worry about every little thing, he is calm and reminds me to just breath and everything will be OK. He is also the most AMAZING daddy to our little girl! He lights up when he is around her and I know that 20 or so years from now when he walks her down the aisle it is truly going to be the hardest day of his life, and the happiest day all at once.

I have the most wonderful, amazing, awesome, beautiful little girl ever! Addisyn Clair Dubea was born October 10, 2009 at 1:47 am weighing 7lbs 11oz and was 20.1 inches long. She is the light of my life! Just writing about her makes me tear up a little. I cannot help but be awe struck that God has given me and my husband this angle baby! I can tell you right now that a majority of my posts are going to be about Miss Addisyn (aka Clair Bear, Puddin, Addi).