Things I've Learned

In the past year and a half of marriage and 7 1/2 months of parenthood I have learned a few things.

1. Marriage is about compromises. Tyler and I couldn't be more opposite but because of that we have learned how to compromise.
2. You have to communicate. This is one that I learned the hard way. I wouldn't communicate that I paid a bill online so Tyler would pay something else thinking the money was there. A couple of OD fees later we realized we need to communicate what er are doing not only with money but pretty much everything.
3. You don't have to hold a baby all the time. It is OK to let Addisyn play on the floor or in her bouncer. I love her so much and want to hold her all the time but I know she needs to play on her own in order to learn and be independent.
4. It is OK if Addisyn cries. My first instinct is to run over to her anytime she makes to noise but I have learned that she needs to work things out herself. I don't want her to end up like some kids I know who have to be held ALL the time and wont do anything alone.
5. Just because it's "normal" doesn't mean we have to do/have it. I see other couples our age with kids buying houses, and buying new cars, and shopping for new furniture and it makes me think that we have to have a house and a new car and new furniture. But I also look at those couples and realize they are probably in more debt than we are because they are buying all this new stuff. Our car might be old, but it's paid off. We might have to rent, but that is what we can afford. Our furniture might not be the best, but it was free (thanks Mom) and very comfy! Some day we will be able to get all this new stuff but for now we are OK and no one should look down at use for living within our means.

Goals

So...Tyler and I have been talking the past few days about building our "dream" house. We talk about how many bedrooms, how many bathrooms, paint colors, etc...

This has made me start thinking about what goals I have for my life and our life as a family.

These are not in any order:

1. buy/build a house
2. be able to work from home/be a stay at home mom
3. learn to cook for my family
4. raise Addisyn to love Jesus Christ with all her soul
5. give Addisyn a little brother or sister
6. go on a REAL vacation. (not that visiting relatives isn't fun)
7. finally finish school
8. be debt free
9. read more books
10. spend as much time as possible with my family

Spring cleaning

So, Tyler and I spent a good amount of time last night and this morning cleaning our place so the management could come in and replace our air filter. As usual, we hurried up and stuff things in drawers and closets. Not really cleaning at all, just hiding the mess.
All our rushing around to get things picked up and cleaned up so it didn't look like we lived in a complete pigsty got me thinking about how I "clean" my soul and heart for God. I say that I am going to really open up to God and surrender all...give all of my "mess" to him. Instead I find that I hide most of mess from him and just hand over what I am comfortable with. If you know me at all, you know that I am a bit of a control freak and I do not like giving up control of anything to anyone including God. I stuff guilt, and feelings of unworthiness, and jealousy, and pride, and abandonment, etc...into little drawers and closets inside myself.
I don't know why I feel like I need to hold onto these issues in my life. I would love to say "Here you go God...it's all yours! I don't want them anymore." The truth is I don't know what I would do without these issues and feelings. They make up who I am and how I live my life.
So this week as I attempt some deep cleaning at home throwing away all the trash and mess that is cluttering our house, I am going to try to deep clean my soul and throw away all my emotional trash and mess that is cluttering my relationship with God and myself.

I surrender all ~ Judson W. Van DeVenter
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence I daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all;
I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior,wholly thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now, I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, Glory, to His name!

Great Great Grandma

So here it is after midnight and I am wide awake! Tyler and Addi are fast asleep and both are snoring. (which is why I am awake...) Of course the only logical thing to do it update the blog. haha!

We are currently in Ohio visiting Addisyn's Great Great Grandma. (Tyler's Great Grandma on his dad's side) It has been a very interesting and fun weekend! Addisyn was able to go swimming with her daddy in the hotel pool and we got some great pictures of the family.

Being around Grandma this weekend has got me thinking a lot. Here she is 97 years old and still sharp as a tack. She lives on her own, cooks for herself, and walks down some not too safe looking stairs to get her mail everyday. I'm 24, over weight, and out of shape. I'll be lucky to see great grand kids let alone great great grand kids!

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 has been coming to mind as I think about how well of Grandma is and how I have not treated this body God gave me very well. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I definitely have not been honoring God with my body! I have been using it as a landfill almost. I stuff it full on processed food, fat, and soda. I sit on my behind most of the time either watching movies or playing around on the computer.

I am not saying that all at once I am going to eat only fresh fruits and veggies and organic meat and only drink water. That is a little too extreme for me right now. I know that I am addicted to the nasty greasiness that is fast food, and if I cold turkey the diet coke you wont want to be around me! I understand that as with any addiction there is going to be a period of withdrawal and I don't want to put my dear husband through too much of my craziness all at once.

I guess that to honor God with my body not only means I need to feed it properly but I also need to work it out properly too. That is the hardest part for me. I can come up with ANY excuse to not go to the gym. "I'm too tired." "Addisyn is fussy." "I don't want to workout with other people there." (Un)Fortunately, I currently have a broken foot and I'm not even really supposed to walk on right now and wont be able to work out for about 6 more weeks. However...in 6 weeks I might be able to get the better food thing down and then tackle the fitness part.

I have tried SO many different diet and exercise programs and all of them only last about a week. This though is not a "diet". This will be a form of worship. A way to thank God for creating me and giving me this amazing body to live in. Instead of ruining all the work God put in to making my body just for me and designed me to be one of a kind, I should cherish every moment I have with it and treat it well.

If I ever want to see Addisyn's Grand kids I better start taking some lessons from Grandma Saunders!

My sweet angle baby....Addisyn Clair Dubea

FYI: This post may contain TMI for some people.

The story of Addisyn Clair is one that I will never get tired of telling. I look forward to when I will be able to tell my grand kids the story of how their mom came into my life. :)

From the beginning our little puddin' was full of surprises. Addisyn Clair Dubea was born on October 10, 2009, but her story really starts on February 11, 2009. The whole day I just wasn't feeling well. I knew I was supposed to start my m/c anytime (I was on the "pill"). That night Tyler and I had dinner with some friends then we all went back to our apartment to hang out. By this time I had begun to have the worst cramps I have ever had. I remember thinking "oh great, this is going to be a fun night!" I ended up going to be early expecting to start in the middle of the night. The next day I still hadn't started, but I didn't think too much of it. When Tyler picked me up from work that night we joked and decided to pick up a pregnancy test from the drug store. We decided to wait until the next morning to take the test thinking I might start that night. Well, if you know me at all you know that I don't like to wait so while Tyler played X-box 360 in the living room I took the test in the bathroom. 3 minutes later I was staring a 2 very bring pink lines. I will never forget how excited, scared, happy, and nervous I was at that moment. When I was able to speak again I called Tyler into the bathroom and we stood there looking at the test together. I remember saying "how did this happen?" Looking back I can picture God looking at us laughing and saying "see what happens when you try to control your own life." We hadn't planned on having kids for at least a few more years, but God had his own plan for us.

In the beginning everything went very smoothly. I never really had morning sickness, but I was tired all the time. It all seemed kind of surreal and I almost didn't believe that we were going to have a baby. Then in June we went for our ultra-sound and saw our little girl. We could see her little hands and feet and at one point we could see her tiny nose. That is when it all became real. We were going to have a baby!

Things continued to go smoothly until the last month and a half. My blood pressure went sky high and I was gaining a LOT of weight really fast. I was put on bed rest and was unable to work. At 38 weeks my bp was so high my obgyn decied to induce labor. I was so ready to meet our little girl and scared to death of being responsible for a tiny little person.

We went to the hospital on Thursday October 8, 2009 and began the inducing. My labor was progressing slowly, but progressing so we continued until early Saturday morning (October 10). When I was finally able to start pushing, we found out that the babies head was stuck in the birth canal. At this point I had been pushing for about 2 hours and my bp went way up again so we opted for a c-section. Then at 1:47 am on October 10, 2009 Addisyn Clair entered the world and changed my world forever! I cannot express in words how much I love this little angle that God has given me. I am so glad that God didn't like our plans and put his into motion.

Even though we were not expecting Addisyn and we went through so tough times with her, I wouldn't change a thing about it! She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so privileged that God has trusted me to raise one of his children!

The past 7 months have gone by so quickly. Everyone said it would go by fast, but I didn't relize how fast! Some days I feel like we just came home from the hospital and others it feels like this has been our life forever. I cannot image how our life would be with out Addisyn.

I love you Clair Bear!!! xoxo

The motions

I chose to name my blog "Going through the motions" for a couple of reasons. First, because I have caught myself just going through the motions of daily life. You know, get up, change and feed Addisyn, take a shower, go to work, come home, fix dinner, feed Addisyn, watch TV/play with Addisyn, put Addisyn to bed, go to bed, repeat. I have not taken a moment to step back and cherish every little thing life has to offer. I have been taking it all for granted. My goal is to remember everyday that there are so many people in this world who would do anything to be able to feed and change and rock their own child but cannot. Or who would love to have a place to call home and be able to fix dinner every night. We maybe going through a tough time financially right now, but we could be a lot worse off. We have a pantry and fridge full of food, we have electricity and a car that has a full tank of gas. God has provided for us during this time and I have not given Him the proper credit. I have taken Him for granted and have gone through the motions of life.

The other reason for the name is because I don't want to go through the motions of being a christian. It is not enough for me right now to just got o church on Sunday mornings. I want to put Christ first in my life and have a REAL relationship with Him. I want to be able to feel comfortable worshiping how I want and not worry about others judging me. My goal is to feel free to lift my hands in praise and worship without feeling others eyes on me and to learn how to really pray and open my heart to the Lord 100%.

I know all this is going to taken time and I am not going to change over night. I am going to take it one day at a time and make a conscious decision everyday to appreciate my life and thank God for everything He has done for me and my family.

The Motions ~ Matthew West

This might hurt

It's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

'cause just OK

is not enough

help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

what if I had given everything?

instead of going through the motions

no regrets

not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

let your love

make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

Take me all the way

A place just for me...

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a little while now. I didn't start one before because I didn't think my life was interesting enough for anyone to want to read about. I decided today that I don't really care if anyone wants to read this or not. I am not doing this for anyone but myself. It is a place just for me to be me. My place to reflect on whatever is going on in my life, to express myself, and to have some "me time".

A little about me: I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a child of God. My life is crazy, busy, and at times dramatic....but I wouldn't have it any other way! I love my life and my family. I have to say that I have the MOST amazing family ever! We are all a little nuts, but that is what makes us so great. My mom is my best friend and I can only hope that my daughter and I can have the kind of relationship that my mom and I have. (Love you forever and always mom!)

I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me! He likes to act tough but he is a the kindest man I have ever met. :) We are almost polar opposites, but that is what makes our marriage work so well I think. Where I stress out and worry about every little thing, he is calm and reminds me to just breath and everything will be OK. He is also the most AMAZING daddy to our little girl! He lights up when he is around her and I know that 20 or so years from now when he walks her down the aisle it is truly going to be the hardest day of his life, and the happiest day all at once.

I have the most wonderful, amazing, awesome, beautiful little girl ever! Addisyn Clair Dubea was born October 10, 2009 at 1:47 am weighing 7lbs 11oz and was 20.1 inches long. She is the light of my life! Just writing about her makes me tear up a little. I cannot help but be awe struck that God has given me and my husband this angle baby! I can tell you right now that a majority of my posts are going to be about Miss Addisyn (aka Clair Bear, Puddin, Addi).